


Existentialism

by tmf



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: College AU, F/M, M/M, Modern AU, Reylo - Freeform, Star Wars - Freeform, enjoy, professor and student
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 07:32:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10531815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmf/pseuds/tmf
Summary: While I work my way through Reasonable Doubt, have this lovely piece of fluff that has been sitting in my drafts for ages.





	

**Author's Note:**

> While I work my way through Reasonable Doubt, have this lovely piece of fluff that has been sitting in my drafts for ages.

Rey ran past a tour group of middle school kids, trying her best to smile and look sane while running top speed. Her building was just up ahead, and according to her phone, she had exactly two minutes to get there and find a seat. She barreled through a crowd, ignoring the other students’ protests.

 

When she finally burst through the deep mahogany double doors, she paused.

 

The room was empty.

 

She took a step backwards and leaned out into the hallway, just far enough to make sure the room number was correct. The lecture hall was large enough to seat at least a hundred students, and she was the only one in it.She walked down the far right aisle, and that’s when she saw the cup of coffee on the desk next to the podium. She approached it, hoping there was at least one more lost student so she could at least ask if the class had moved or something because, really, they should have sent at least an email-

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Rey froze for a second. The man stepped out from behind the stage where she stood, “That’s my coffee,” he said.

 

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, “I wasn’t going to drink your coffee.”

 

The corner of his mouth twitched and it almost made a smile, “You’re here for Existentialism.” 

 

He had three main features that stood out to her immediately: Hair, nose, lips. All three were far too prominent to be attractive. His hair was too long, she thought. It came down almost as long as hers, and it was a lot curlier.

 

It wasn’t a question, so Rey didn’t answer.

 

He looked amused, “Well, you’re the only one,” he said as he picked up a bag from the floor. It was worn around the corners, to the point where Rey could see the corner of a book peeking out, “You can just go home, I suppose.”

 

Rey almost scoffed, “Do you have any idea how much this conversation is costing me?”

 

That time, he did smile, “Oh?”

 

Rey made herself as tall as she could, which was still a good half-foot shorter than this TA, “Even with a scholarship, I’m paying around four hundred dollars per credit hour,” she turned away from him and took a seat in the first row, “This is a two hour course, so if I don’t start learning something soon, I’m out nine hundred dollars.”

 

He was still smiling as he retrieved a book from his bag. The podium seemed unnecessary given the size of his audience, so he grabbed the rolling chair from behind the desk and lifted it over to where she sat. He folded himself into the chair, his legs bent at an almost comical angle where hers would’ve dangled just short of the floor.

“I’m Rey,” she extended her hand, and tried not to notice how his fingers seemed to swallow her hand up to the wrist.

 

“Ben.”

 

————————-

 

 

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” she was talking faster than normal, trying to piece together an argument while wrapping her hair into a bun. She couldn’t think straight with loose hair.

 

“Why?” he had turned his chair around, legs on either side of the backrest. His arms were folded over the top of it, “Why doesn’t it make sense?”

 

“Well, because existing has inherent value, doesn’t it?”

 

He nodded, “Answer this,” he rolled just a little closer to her, “What is the purpose of a hammer?”

 

This felt almost ridiculously simple, “To hammer things…?”

 

“Good. Now, how can you tell if a hammer is a good hammer?”

 

“If it makes hammering easy.”

 

“Right,” he’s getting excited now, and she felt a smile tugging at her own lips, “so wouldn’t you say the purpose of a hammer is to hammer things? And its value is determined by how well it hammers things?”

 

She nodded, “But even then, human beings are not as simple as that. We don’t have a single purpose as a species so y-“

 

“Exactly!”

 

“You can’t reduce our purpose to one goal because we’re not that simplistic. One human being isn’t the same as the rest in the way that all hammers are the same, so you can’t expect them all to function the same way.”

 

She waited for him to respond, but he just looked at her and lowered his head onto his arms, 

 

“Go on.”

 

“Well,” Rey started hesitantly; she wasn’t sure she liked the look in his eyes, “just because you can’t categorize every individual’s purpose as one big goal of mankind doesn’t mean that each journey doesn’t have value.”

 

He paused for a second and grinned, “You’re a bad existentialist.”

 

She returned the smile, “Thanks.”

——————————————————

 

When she came back for their second lesson, Rey was almost disappointed to see students already waiting in scattered seats throughout the lecture hall. She found the seat she had occupied just a couple of days ago and took it. She almost didn’t notice the cup of coffee on her chair’s small, attached desk top. It was hot to the touch, and she looked around for its owner.

 

“Good morning, let’s begin.”

 

She caught herself smiling at the sight of him up by the podium. He half smiled at her and flicked his eyes towards the coffee.

 

“I trust everyone is properly caffeinated for today’s lesson,” he said, and her grin widened. She sipped the coffee.

 

——————————————————— 

 

“Hell is other people.”

 

A smattering of laughter rang across the lecture hall.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

The laughter stopped. Ben met her gaze briefly over the cup of coffee she’d left on the podium, and she sipped hers. “Is hell companionship? Or is hell human interaction?”

 

“Neither,” called a girl from the back, with ash blonde hair and a steely voice, “It’s being disillusioned by other people.”

 

“Good,” Ben said, “so hell is people disappointing you?”

 

The girl remained silent. Ben shoved a hand in the pocket of his jacket, and began pacing the small stage, covering the length of it in less than ten steps. He said nothing, and the class already knows he will not be providing the answer.

 

“Hell is people ruining our perfect world,” Rey said loudly. He looked at the floor, not her, as he paced. He brought his fingers to his mouth to hide a smile.

 

“Go on.”

 

He only ever said that to her, she suddenly realized, “It’s having to deal with people not seeing you the way you see yourself. It’s terrifying to think that the reality you construct and accept inside your head might not be real at all.”

 

He gave up trying to hide the smile, “Exactly. It’s disillusionment” he gestured towards the blonde, “with your existence.”

 

———————————— 

 

“You know, you’re probably the only one who doesn’t need these office hours,” he said as he handed her the cup of coffee.

 

She smiled, “Thank you. For the coffee, too.”

 

He gestured to a booth near the back of the coffee shop. It resembled an antique shop, Rey thought, with its old, mismatched furniture and outdated wallpaper. No one would expect it to be such a popular study spot, especially with the irregular lighting that random incandescent lamps provided. She almost made a joke about making an appointment with her ophthalmologist.

 

He squeezed (quite literally) into the small booth, and she took a seat opposite him. She tried not to notice the shadows that his sharp features cast on his face.

 

“I’m having trouble with Heidegger.” She said bluntly.

 

He smiled, and she briefly thought she might be actively trying to get him to smile.

 

“Heidegger is having trouble with Heidegger.”

 

———————————————

 

She looked at the diagram in front of them, spanning four pages laid end-to end.

 

“Okay, but what if you have Dasein,” she pointed to a bullet point in the middle of the spread, “Can’t you still be displaced?”

 

He pointed just above where her hand lay, his palm grazing her wrist, “No.”

 

She laughed. “You didn’t have to point to just say ‘No’.”

 

He smiled and tipped his cup of coffee back. She looked away as his throat worked.

 

“Tell me, Rey,” he began cautiously, “Our final exam is next week.”

 

She busied herself with her coffee, dreading his train of thought.

 

“Yes, it is,” she replied, worrying the cardboard sleeve on her cup, “I want to be prepared.”

 

He smiled at her and took his hand off the table, “Heidegger won’t be on it. You know that.”

 

She pretended to be surprised, and internally cringed at her own attempt, “Well that is brand new information.”

 

Ben tucked his lower lip in with his teeth. She was staring, but at this point she figured it hardly mattered.She allowed herself to wonder what kissing someone with such full lips would be like.

 

—————————————————

 

“Thank you for a fantastic class,” she said, shaking his hand. She could hear the last of the students filter out of the lecture hall, not interested in spending one more minute in there. 

Grades were posted.

 

“My pleasure. You were a wonderful student.”

 

She could have imagined the emphasis he put on _were_.

 

—————————————————

 

He didn’t take her to a ridiculously elegant restaurant.

 

She had no reason to think he would have, and the fact that he didn’t somehow made Rey more comfortable. He had picked her up on time, brought a small bunch of daisies for her kitchen, and asked her what food she liked to eat.

 

“Anything, really,” she said, worrying the sleeve of her jacket.

 

“Not anything,” he said, looking over his shoulder and turning the car, “what food do you _like_ to eat, Rey?”

 

Rey smiled, “You really want to know?”

 

He grinned, “I really do.”

 

She took a deep breath, “I like Italian food. But not just any Italian food. I like Italian food with no fancy recipes. I like places where you can still see who’s sitting in front of you, and I like places where you can sit down to eat but still feel comfortable picking up an order in sweats.”

 

They stopped at a red light, and he turned to her, “I know where we’re going.”

 

—————————————————

 

He was affectionate, Rey realized. _Really_ affectionate. 

 

She could feel the heat in her cheeks when the waiter had to maneuver around their joined hands just to place the breadsticks on the table. He had not stopped touching her since they parked the car. A light hand on her shoulder, a brush of their fingers as they walked to the table, and then this. 

 

—————————————————

 

How she had ended up here, Rey would never be able to explain. Ben’s broad hands landed on her hips and she gasped when his teeth met her neck. He was crouched over her at an almost comical angle, given his height, and she fumbled with the front door behind her.

 

It gave way- finally­- and they stumbled into her apartment.

 

“Rey! Thank God, here, Poe doesn’t think I can eat this whole jar of pickles and I-oh.”

 

Rey winced because how did she forget that her roommates were home tonight? Her cheeks flared as she turned away from Ben.

 

She felt Ben’s hands lift from her hips and he stepped past her, “Ben,” he said to Finn, who shook his hand with a confused look.

 

“Poe Dameron,” Poe held out a hand and raised his eyebrow at Rey. She begged for death.

 

“These are my roommates, Finn and Poe,” she offered lamely.

 

“We were just on our way out, actually,” Poe said smoothly, and Rey wondered how it could possibly be getting worse. Finn frowned.

 

“No we weren’t, we-“

 

“Have tickets to the basketball game tonight.” Poe finished, and tossed Finn his jacket, “Ugh, you know those go on for hours.”

 

Rey covered her face with her hand. Ben laughed.

 

Finn shrugged into his jacket and cocked his head towards Ben, mouthing, Is that?

Rey nodded. Finn’s lips made a little ‘o’ and he winked.

 

“Well, Rey, we’re heading out,” Poe said pointedly, “By the way, if you need extra… _cash_ , there is some _cash_ in my room. In case you need it. The _cash_. It’s in my-“

 

She pushed his back, “Bye, Poe.”

 

She shut and locked the door behind them, pretending not to hear the snickers that faded as they made their way down the stairs. She finally turned to face Ben and found him on the verge of laughter. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat, and his lips were stretched thin.

 

“I am so sorry,” she said, walking over to the kitchen counter and hopping on top of it. She noticed he followed. “I totally forgot they were home tonight.”

 

He approached her, lightly nudging his way just past her knees, “I don’t mind,” and he was kissing her again.

 

 

———————————————————

 

 

It was a short while later, with her former Philosophy professor kneeled between her thighs, that Rey stopped to wonder if this was a bad idea. She didn’t have any reason to think this would turn into anything, and she wasn’t exactly sure whether she wanted it to or not.

 

He nipped the inside of her thigh and she snapped out of her own head with a sharp cry.

 

“Be nice,” she breathed, leaning back with her elbow on the counter, one hand in his hair. He responded with a deep hum that she felt in her _bones_ , and he kissed his way back up her stomach.

 

“I wasn’t done,” she chided, gasping when he pulled the neck of her shirt down to taste her breast.

 

He trailed messy, open mouthed kisses up her chest and neck, biting on her earlobe and murmuring, “Well, I’m not done with you, either.”

 

_That_ much was obvious. She could feel him, thick and hard against her thigh as he kissed her. She opened her mouth to him, tasting herself on his tongue, shivering when he bit down on her lower lip. 

 

“The bedroom,” she gasped in between kisses, “My bedroom, Ben-“

 

She yelped as he wound his arms under her thighs. He lifted her like she weighed nothing, and his long legs led them to her bed. He set her down slowly, leaving over her with her fists sinking onto her mattress on either side of her hips. 

 

“Are you sure?” he asked in a low voice, kissing her temple, “We can take it as slow as you need.”

 

Rey sighed and let herself fall on her back. He followed, his long legs almost touching the floor, even with half of him draped on the bed. Rey turned to face him, their shoulders pressed warmly together.

 

“I really want this,” she said breathlessly reaching out for his hand in between them. He laced their fingers together and rubbed her knuckles with his thumb.

 

“But?” he prompted, bringing her hand to his lips. She watched his full lips drag over her skin, and she gathered her courage.

 

“I’m not into casual sex,” she says quickly, hoping the speed of her words will make her sound more confident, “Tried it once, it’s not my thing. If that’s what you want, we should probably stop now.”

 

She felt his shoulders shake slightly, quickly followed by a short laugh.

 

“Oh, Rey.”  


Rey propped herself up on her arms, leaned up until she was sitting back on her calves, “What’s funny?”

 

He didn’t get up, just turned his head to face her, “If that’s all I wanted from you, I would’ve taken you that first day of class.”

 

She couldn’t stop the scoff that left her lips, “Oh, really?”

 

He leaned up on his arms, pulling at her wrist to uncross her arms. She let him, keeping her narrowed eyes on his smug smirk.

 

He got uncomfortably close, ghosting kisses up her jaw and to her ear, “You know I can take whatever I want.”

 

That really shouldn’t have thrilled her as much as it did, but her hands were already in his hair, and his mouth was already over hers. “I’m serious, Ben,” she said, kissing down to his neck, straddling him when he went back down on the bed, “I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.”

 

She ground her hips against him with every word, reveling in the gasps that came from his throat. He grabbed her hips and followed the circles she made, moaning her name.

 

“Rey,” he breathed, “I want you. Not for this, but-“

 

She kissed him soundly, humming against his lips, “Because I’m smart? Beautiful? Tragically existential?”

 

He slid his hand across the back of her head, and she tried not to think about how her skull almost fit inside his palm.

 

“All of it.”


End file.
